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by Brian & Eileen Anderson |
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CONTENTS
Get to the airport early to avoid long queues at check-in and security wear loose clothing for comfort cabin pressure reduces in flight equivalent to 5,000 -6,000ft altitude. Under these conditions it is very easy to dehydrate so drink plenty of water even if you don't feel thirsty Do simple stretching exercises frequently, especially legs and ankles make sure your luggage is secure and quickly identified with perhaps a personalised luggage strap or similar check your luggage for damage before departing from luggage reclaim
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 As a frequent flyer in cabin class, I am overflowing with tips to help the unwary. First piece of advice is to join the airlines frequent flyers programme and sit back to enjoy the benefits. So my Icarus wings have melted like my points and my BA miles are shorter than any runway in the UK but the card brings such respect at check in. No worries, we have pre-booked seats and a frequent flyer card. ‘Yes sir, you have pre-booked seats, you are in row 15 sir and your wife in row 37’ ‘But we booked two seats together!’ ‘Yes sir, they would be together if they were on the same row.’ So the tip is to get there even earlier. ‘Boarding is by seat row numbers’ says the announcer ‘will passengers from rows 25 to 37 come forward to board’ Sitting watching the mass of people surge forward makes you aware the plane is only full at the back, or is it? Numbers are more flexible these days. I blame credit cards and APRs. People have given up trying to understand how a loan of a few thousand can turn into a few hundred thousand. Big numbers are beyond comprehension and only small numbers are meaningful. Airlines should use small numbers at the back of the aircraft and not the front if boarding by seat row numbers is ever going to work. Inadvertently, I found out a system for generating a comfort zone when the flight is not so full. I was flying off to Guatemala for a first ever visit and struggling with a few place names. ‘Chichicastenanga, Chichicastenanga...’ I kept repeating quietly to myself until it rolled off the tongue with a deeply satisfying pleasure. It passed the time nicely during the flight although the radiant West Indian lady in the adjoining seat, mother of five going home to prepare for her wedding, fled to another seat at the first opportunity. It was either Chichicastenanga or my efforts to croon, equally quietly I might add, ‘There’s only one Guatemala’ to the tune of Guantanamera. It really is the best way to create your own space on a flight! I really enjoy the in-flight food, I look forward to that little plastic tray arriving but there is one thing which irritates enormously... the cellophane wrapping! You carefully take out the neatly packed knife and fork, the hand cleanser and the little salt and pepper packets and screw up the cellophane. Out it leaps from the tight ball like a live snake straight onto your companion’s chicken tikka. Apologetically, you recover the tikka covered wrap and trap it under the tray keeping a wary eye on it to prevent further escapes. As soon as the starter salad is finished, it gets screwed up again, slipped into salad tray and the lid clamped firmly on. Off pops the lid straight onto the floor with the tikka wrap now flying straight onto your neighbours lap. The tip here is always to wear a shirt with a breast pocket and safely stow the cellophane out of harms way before you tuck in.
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The cabin crew often provide
the best in-flight entertainment, especially on Singapore Airlines. All
the girls are charming but all pressed from the same mould! Each one is
identical in every conceivable dimension to the next. Each one dressed in
identical slinky, figure-hugging dresses, each one flowing down the aisle
like liquid honey. The challenge now is to absorb enough detail every time
one passes to see if you can identify the same girl next time she passes.
It certainly passes the hours and you can never be certain if you scored a
single point. Then, of course, there is the cabin attendant from hell
sometimes encountered. ‘You should not be coming to this toilet, you
should go to the one in the middle’ snapped the
girl. ‘But there is a longer queue here and I want to stand’ I said.
Another piece of advice. There is a way of fighting back, just keep asking
for another drink of water. It’s double edged, you need the toilet more
often! ‘This is the captain speaking, the journey time today is blurrb crackle and the flight path will take us over diiddle, fuuuble and bllurb’. In flight noises and a few intercom burbs always seem to drown the important announcements. It really is best not to strain too much to hear and wait for those which come through with amazing clarity. ‘This is the captain speaking, you are just passing Paris which can be seen clearly on the left hand side’. As always, you are sitting on the wrong side. Pilots never think of tilting the plane so everybody can see. The announcement with the most dramatic effect turning the cabin into a graveyard of silence starts like any other. ‘This is your captain speaking’ but spoken in the dulcet tones of a woman! Nobody expects to hear announcements clearly so the request to remain seated after landing is treated with indifference. Half the passengers leap out of their seats at the first opportunity crushing each other in the aisles. Elbows fly in all directions and bags tumble wildly from overhead lockers. Clutching bags and parcels, passengers are even more tightly crushed waiting uncomfortably for the release. Nobody grumbles at this self-inflicted agony, nobody ever grumbles. I usually sit and watch the spectacle with some fascination. If Aristotle or Plato would deign to travel cabin class and sit nearby, I would be asking a simple question. Why it takes so long for passengers to stow their hand luggage when boarding but only a fraction of the time to unload when crushed together with nowhere to go? Business class could never be like this and what fun they miss. At least you can be sure of one thing, you get a cheery farewell from the cabin crew as you pass through the door. Goodness knows what they are thinking but it is always a cheery farewell!
Kokkari Samos
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